Oh, The Humanity!
by LitelySaltedVex
Summary: What happens when you take the greatest bounty hunter the galaxy has ever known, two of her greatest arch-nemeses, and stuff them all into a 300 sq. ft. apartment on modern-day Earth stripped of their outstanding qualities and power armor? Obviously, you get flying objects, personal space issues, and a slice of hilarity to top it all off. Full summary inside.
1. Chapter 1: Singularity

**Summary: What happens when you take the greatest bounty hunter the galaxy has ever known, two of her greatest arch-nemeses, and stuff them all into a 300 sq. ft. apartment on modern-day Earth stripped of their outstanding qualities and power armor? Obviously, you get flying objects, personal space issues, and a slice of hilarity to top it all off. Takes place branching off after Corruption, rated T for language, sick humor, and some intense scenes in the first chapter. Rating may be changed to M if needed, NO lemon planned at this time.**

 **Forgive my OOC instances, inaccuracies, and anything else that may infuriate you. This is my first Metroid fanfiction. Ever. That said though, constructively criticize the hell out of this. I would be ever-grateful if you do.**

* * *

Chapter 1: Singularity

 **BABY'S CRY**

A distress signal with the urgency of a crying baby. When faced with the decision of seeing your child growing up properly or starving to death thanks to your ignorance, you answer the cry.

So when a BABY'S CRY signal reached Samus' Gunship nine months after the destruction of Phaaze, she turned the directional controls toward the signal and punched the hyperdrive without a second thought. Her second thoughts came halfway through the trip. The signal came from near the core of the galaxy, an area notorious for being densely populated by black holes, to be avoided at all costs. Why anyone was even out here to drop the signal was beyond Samus' comprehension.

She was pulled out of her thoughts as her gunship dropped back out of hyperspace, and she took the controls, guiding the ship carefully. One cannot see black holes as just black circles in space. Light bends around their event horizons, looking simply as if an enormous blur was passing by. She needed to watch carefully for the signs of refraction, as well as keep her eyes open for any sort of starship that could have called for help.

Searching and searching and searching. More and more space dust, dead stars, and just as much nothing. The signal had been lost long ago. Debating on giving up her search, Samus found herself literally staring into space at a small, light blue glow far in the distance, coming closer. Her ship accelerated, and the speed at which the glow approached more than doubled. After a short moment, she realized the glowing object was about to hit the gunship, and she began making evasive maneuvers. The results were not what she expected, however. The glow altered its course to continue pursuing Samus's ship. A crashing sound rang in Samus' ears, and who should be on the window but-

"You!" Samus yelled at her, through the window. She was damaged, and her form seemed to be clinging to her "life" by a thread. Samus thought her gone altogether with Phaaze's destruction. As it happens though, she never actually SAW Phaaze go with her own eyes. It was either watch the pretty explosion and go to Hell with it, or hightail out of there with her life. What may have happened to Phaaze's remains is anyone's guess. Hers was that Dark Samus, with not even the shape of a power suit adorning her any longer, was all that remained of the Phazon of the planet that assumedly went nova. As far as appearances go, the evil clone had looked much better. What was left of her was an unstable human form more akin to Samus'. Her skin was a deathly pale blue and her eyes glowed like Phazon, Samus was unable to tell where the sclera met the iris. Her hair was long, black and unruly, with the black void of space letting it go wild as if it was suspended in water. Even her face was barely holding together properly.

"You've been a thorn in my side since we first met on Dark Aether, Samus! I should have killed you rather than let the Ing put you down for only a few minutes." The crude, distorted voice played in Samus' mind. Its distortion and nigh-imcomprehensibility wasn't what unnerved Samus. It was that Dark Samus was speaking Galactic. All she'd ever heard of the clone was grunts, screams, and laughter.

That sick, sick laughter.

Samus was torn from her thoughts by the gunship shaking, and a thrashing sound coming from the upper hull. Turning back in her seat, she watched as talons pierced the gunship's armor and tore it open like foil, the air rushing out of the opening. Were she not in her Varia suit, she would have been torn apart by the vacuum that now occupied the ship's interior. Once the hole was sufficiently opened, a snout, followed by glowing yellow eyes entered the ship, the mouth opening wide and beginning to glow.

"You must be-" Samus never got to finish, as the plasma breath attack from Ridley's mouth seared the inside of the ship, melting the window that kept the doppelgängers separated from each other. Samus, who had taken cover from Ridley's attack behind the backrest of her seat, watched not Dark Samus entering the ship, but the refractive object hurtling toward all three of them.

A black hole.

Samus' eyes widened within her helmet, and ignoring the other two, she unstrapped herself from the pilot's seat and fired her power beam to free her arm cannon from its rest, using her sheer strength to tear it the rest of the way free. Now she could focus her attention elsewhere. Looking to her left, she moved and pulled the trigger in Dark Samus' direction. It didn't really damage her, per se, but it certainly knocked her back to the wall. Pushing herself up, she moved for the opening that Ridley created earlier, only to be stopped when Dark Samus grabbed her ankle and pulled her back inside.

Desperate, Samus lashed out with her free boot, repeatedly kicking the Phazon clone without aiming for any particular spot. One strike hit home, and fragments of the volatile substance were shaved off Dark Samus' face, her nose essentially gone. However, she showed no sign of letting up. Samus' attacks rose in ferocity as her desperation heightened, going so far as to pull the clone closer and start trying to beat her with her arm cannon, letting a few (missed) shots loose in the chaos. Samus had officially lost her cool.

"You! Stupid! Bi-!" Another crash interrupted Samus' curse-punctuated attacks. She looked out the window to see Ridley holding onto the gunship, being pulled toward the singularity with his mouth gaping open. The words [GRAVITATIONAL ANOMALY INBOUND] appeared on her HUD, highlighting the borders of the refractive sphere, adding to the stress she was dealing with. Screaming out her anger in her helmet, she turned her attention to her clone and pushed her to the ground, holding said clone down with her boot. She took aim at Ridley and opened the front of her arm cannon, firing a Super Missile in his direction and not caring about any result beyond forcing him to let go of her ship. The warhead hit home, going partway down his throat and detonating with the explosive force of five normal missiles in one. The ship was released from his talons and he was sent barreling for the black hole. Dark Samus was the next concern.

Samus looked down at the damaged clone and saw the fruits of her handiwork. Dark Samus was holding onto her "life," albeit barely. Her earlier beam hadn't damaged the clone, but her physical combat had done a number on the black-haired imposter. Her face was barely recognizable as having any semblance of a human's, and her body was bent at angles that no one would disagree to being unnatural. It didn't take a doctor to see that her odds of survival at this point were astronomically slim, and her ability to fight back any further was long gone. Taking her boot off of Dark Samus, Samus reached down and inserted her hand into Dark Samus' chest, eliciting a pained grimace from what remained of her face. Grabbing what she thought to be Dark Samus' spinal column, she pulled the clone up and suspended her close, their faces separated by only a few inches of metal, visor, and vacuum. Seeing the pained expression in Dark Samus' increasingly lifeless eyes, Samus felt her stomach twist. This thing didn't deserve emotions after what 'it' had done. She shot the most unfeeling look she could muster at her clone, and with all her strength, threw it out the open window toward the black hole.

Wasting not a second, she moved to the controls of her ship and tried interfacing with it. Nothing she tried was working.

"Weapons systems offline. Life support offline. Engines offline…" She wasn't even drifting at this point. The gravitational force of the black hole before her was pulling her in. She sighed and slumped back in her chair, realizing that there was no escape now. She groaned to herself and spoke only four words before the shitstorm finally ended:

"Son of a bitch."

It went black from there.

* * *

Pain shot through Samus' body as she hit a hard, flat object beneath her and rolled for roughly a meter or two before coming to a stop, on her back, winded, and without her Varia suit. She looked around, dazed, seeing tall metal structures around her with lights going up each side of them, and pairs of lights a few feet off the ground moving in single-file lines moving away from her or toward her, but never coming into contact with either her or each other. She sat up, rubbing her head and running her fingers through her blonde hair. One thing she noticed off the bat was that her hand wasn't clad in either the gauntlet of her power suit or her blue Chozo interface suit, but was fully exposed to the air. She looked down to find herself in simple clothing, the same color of her interface suit. Shirt, long pants, shoes. This was the definition of casual dress. Not her favorite, but it sure beat being stark naked in public

She stood up, looking around, her eyes settling a young man dressed in a purple shirt and grey pants not too far off, on his knees and looking at his hands. His hair was light brown, straight, and reached down to his shoulders. She couldn't see his face as he was turned away from her. He looked like he was bent over a woman in a black tank top and jeans, who looked winded and was looking at the sky, unable to move. She probably fell. Samus walked over to the pair and stopped about three feet away.

"Excuse me, are you two alri-" the man turned his face to her, and she froze as his expression contorted into one of pure hatred. Had she met him before? Then she realized it. His eyes. The irises were yellow and had snake-like pupils. Looking quickly down at the woman on the ground, Samus saw that her skin had a slightly blue tinge, and her eyes were normal, except for her irises being the exact same blue color as Phazon.

Ridley and Dark Samus had taken on truly human forms.

"You!" Ridley shouted, his voice that of a man no older than twenty. He tried to stand, but fell forward, as his legs had changed from those of a Zebesian dragon to those of a human. He also didn't have his tail to balance him while standing on his hind legs. Getting up immediately, he lunged awkwardly at Samus with his hand clenched into a fist. Sidestepping, Samus dodged his punch and delivered her own to a sensitive spot just under his sternum. He gagged before going hopelessly went limp, being held on his feet by Samus' fist. With no remorse whatsoever, she dropped him on the ground, the impact of which woke him instantly. He scrambled pathetically to his feet and tried to balance himself on the single-jointed knees as well as not aggravate the pain just below his ribs. He stumbled to the nearest building and set one of his hands on it for support.

Samus stifled her laughter at Ridley's helplessness until she was tackled to the ground. Mounting her was the sickly-looking Dark Samus, with a sick smile on her face.

"Finally. I finally have the upper hand on you!" She coughed twice and raised an arm up, about to bring it down on Samus' defenseless face. Suddenly, the blue underneath her skin began to glow, and her mount weakened considerably as her head tilted back, her mouth open. Freeing an arm from under Dark Samus' knee, Samus reached up and punched the distracted black-haired woman off of her. Escaping and putting distance between them, Samus stood in a fighting stance, looking down at her clone. Her expression relaxed as she realized that the choking, writhing figure before her would not be standing up. On her hands and knees, Dark Samus was convulsing violently, vomiting up lunch that she never ate mixed in with a blue substance that soon disappeared into thin air. Painful groaning that transitioned into agonized screaming followed as the glowing blue in her blood vessels and beneath her skin receded, disappearing completely. The Phazon in Dark Samus' body was finally gone for good. It wasn't long before she started coughing up blood instead, having screamed her throat completely raw.

There was no doubt in Samus' mind that the pain her clone felt was very, very real.

An ambulance arrived a few minutes later, finding Ridley and Samus both knelt over their 'friend.' Samus, needless to say, was disgusted by the notion of the three being friends.

* * *

 **Okay, just so you know, this chapter only sets the stage for what's to come. This will probably be one of the only ones taking itself seriously. After this, I'll be trying to make you laugh (will probably fail) and carry on the story at the same time.**

 **Background: I got the idea for this story one while speed-running Zero Mission on my 12-13 year-old SP and watching an anime called Hataraku Maou-sama! (The Devil is a Part-Timer!), so you know the formula for this already if you've seen it. It went a little something like this:**

 **GameBoySP: *Ridley dies after taking a super missile to the mouth***

 **TV: "I'M A HERO! SO PLEASE TELL ME WHY I JUST HAD TO POST BAIL FOR A COUPLE OF ASININE GOOD-FOR-NOTHING DEMONS!"**

 **LSV: I wonder what would happen if that were Samus and Dark Samus...**

 **Ridley got plugged into the formula somewhere around when I started writing this chapter.**


	2. Chapter 2 - Hospital

**Chapter 2 - Hospital**

* * *

"This changes nothing between us." Ridley said, out of the blue.

"That's my line, you walking tumbleweed." Samus snarked back, earning a low growl from the former dragon's sneer. "Stop with that. Humans don't do that." Ridley scoffed, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back in his ER waiting room chair,

"Well I'm not human, now am I?" He asked proudly.

"No, you're not. At this point, you're nothing more than an insect, insignificant compared to a human." Samus' answer caused the former space pirate to turn red in the face, and he stood up in anger.

"What did you say to me?!" His voice rose, attracting the attention of the many nurses flitting about the ER. None of them stopped what they were doing for more than a few seconds, as even that could be deadly to some of the patients.

"If you have personal problems, please take them outside the hospital or wait until you leave," the voice of an older man tore Ridley from his targeted vocal aggression, "there are quite a few breakable machines and volatile chemicals in this hospital. I'd hate it if someone died thanks to me letting you rampage freely." The man stood before Ridley. Despite Ridley's history of fearlessness, the aging man intimidated him purely by the difference in height. Being versed in the strategic anything-but-art, Ridley backed down and took his seat next to Samus once again. Both took a closer look at the man. He was tall, with light skin and a grey goatee hiding his chin. His eyes were brown, and he was balding at the top of his head. One would guess him to be in his 70s.

"So what's the verdict?" Samus asked, adding a 'She dead yet?' to her input, but in her mind only. The man brought a clipboard up to chest height and examined it.

"Your friend is fine. She was simply suffering symptoms of withdrawal, but we can't determine what from. Typically, when a patient suffers withdrawal symptoms from some sort of drug, we can tell what the drug was by either their symptoms or checking for traces of it in their bloodstream. Unfortunately, there aren't enough definitive symptoms to pinpoint with, and there are no traces of a drug within her bloodstream." The doctor explained. Samus understood perfectly, as she had been in medical care a few times herself, but Ridley looked stumped. Generally, his forces would either die on a battlefield, in a lab, or by his tail. And his rebirth as Meta Ridley on the Orpheon had no "drugs" involved, which had been his own personal hell for a while.

"So she's alive and recovering?" He asked, at a loss for anything else to say.

"Actually, she's recovered at an alarming rate. She's already awake and walking about, destroying some expensive equipment, so if you'd retrieve her, I'd be grateful." The man walked away, curing under his breath. Samus blinked at the back of the man's lab coat, watching him until he disappeared around a corner. She and Ridley then stood up, both agreeing to a temporary truce by nodding at each other.

"Let's go find her and stop her from bringing the place down." Samus sighed. Her back ached a bit. She'd been through a day to forget in what seemed like three hours.

"Agreed…" Ridley voiced. He was still unsteady, but his walking upright was improving. "Hey, did he say exactly WHERE she is?" He asked, cocking an eyebrow in curiosity. Samus stopped walking and balled her hands into fists.

"Son of a-!"

* * *

Following an eventful search, Samus opened a hospital door and immediately ducked, with wide eyes, as an IV stand went soaring over her head and finding a new home on Ridley's, knocking him to the floor. A nurse who watched the scene screamed briefly as she watched Ridley collapse, with the IV landing on his stomach before finally falling over. The nurse stood with her hands cupped over her mouth, eyes wide and dumbfounded. Samus looked down at the seemingly unconscious space pirate, then to the nurse. The blonde smiled and waved the nurse off.

"Don't worry about him. Despite his looks, he's a tough guy, he's fine." Samus followed up with a pseudo-giggle. The nurse nodded, but stuck around.

"Should I get him an ice pack…?" She asked, still in shock.

"She said I'm fine, woman, do you honestly need a second opinion?!" the hunk of meat on the floor snapped his jaws at the nurse, who then ran off, pretending to mind her own business. Samus stood in an akimbo, giving an impressed whistle as the lady walked away.

"Wow. I admit, you can land a punchline and offend someone, AND scare them off in one sentence. You get props on this one." She looked down at Ridley on the floor as he lifted the IV off of himself and stood up, a welt forming on his head from the initial impact. He was about to respond, before rage incarnate jumped into the conversation.

"WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP TALKING AS IF I'M NOT HERE?!"

"It said please, that's a start." Samus snarked, looking over her now-totally-human clone. She may not be a being of Phazon anymore, but she certainly retained her attitude problems.

"Address me properly, why don't you?" Her voice calmed down, becoming more dejected than angry. "C'mon. I already dealt with you beating me incoherent, having my arm cannon restructured into a normal arm, and Phazon withdrawal. Can't you give me a rest for a bit? I'm tired and there's a dull pain right here…" She set her left hand over her stomach. Samus' eyebrows rose, and she pursed her lips. Not only was this a complete turnaround in energy and emotion, but also personality and as it seems, physiology.

'Right… these two need food,' the blonde thought, looking at her black-haired clone and the brunet pirate. "Let's get out of here and figure something out…" This drew Dark Samus' attention, and her expression twisted into anger once more.

"I'm not going anywhere with you!" She snapped.

"You don't have a choice!" Samus countered. "Not only will they not let you leave the hospital without us, but nor will you have any idea what to do! For all I know, you'll either be picked up by the law for attacking people, or worse, you'll be taken by other criminals! And all that aside, I need to keep an eye on both of you. Our lives up until now and what they're about to become are two very different things. I'm the only one experienced with human society here, so maybe I can drop you two beneath the radar of suspicion. Admittedly, I'm going to need to adjust too, since the technology here is much less advanced. " Samus took in a few deep breaths, having been talking faster than she'd have liked.

"…Fine." Dark Samus conceded, after some consideration. "But first, what is this pain inside my abdomen?" The black-haired woman asked, hunching over with tears forming in the corners of her light blue eyes.

"Palm, meet face…" Ridley said, performing the action with a sigh. Samus smiled a bit.

"Now we're getting somewhere." She said.

Dinner that night was at a place with a green label that read 'Souplantation.'

* * *

 **Sorry for the short and poorly-written chapter today. I pretty much write this between classes since I have some considerable down time between each. Thing is, when I'm on a schedule, my creativity is not exactly batting a thousand, so yeah...**

 **In any case, I finally got this updated and I'm not exactly happy with it, but it's better than just leaving it to rot for months on end and only writing two words into the new chapter every few weeks (this is a reference to my Wattpad situation...)**

 **I may rewrite or revise this chapter in some ideal future... Who knows?**


	3. Chapter 3 - Feeling Blue

**Chapter 3: Feeling Blue**

 _ **Two Months Later…**_

"Remind me again how we ended up here?"

"You know very well how we got here. You and Eris lured me into a black hole. I took you two with me."

"No, no. How we got HERE, into this apartment."

"Oh…." Samus stopped washing a pale white bowl cereal bowl in her hands, looking at the ceiling and thinking for a moment, trying to recall her memories. She still hadn't totally woken up, even after breakfast.

"We ended up here because it was all the three of us together could afford… With help." Dark Samus-now legally registered as Eris Aran, twin sister of Samus-responded for her. "Or rather, the best Samus and I could afford, since our resident dragon just got fired for the second time this month." Said dragon shook as two angry female glares pierced yet another hole in his ever-shrinking ego.

"In my defense, it was worth it." He said, trying to maintain some measure of dignity.

"Are you kidding me?!" Samus yelled, forsaking the bowl in her hands. Dark Samus watched it fly across the room in shock, and tears started forming in the corners of her eyes when the bowl shattered against his forehead, knocking him out cold. "Who the hell steals french fries from their customers' trays?!"

"My- my point-five hours of work… smashed over someone's head…" Dark Samus whimpered, falling to her knees and turning white, as if her soul had been ripped out. Samus cocked an eyebrow at this display, still dumbstruck over this being her clone's real personality without Phazon corrupting her mind. As if that thought weren't important at all, the memories from two months before came back to her mind.

"Oh, that's right…"

* * *

" _Bleuugh…." Ridley felt as he looked. His head was in the toilet, regurgitating the shellfish that he was now discovering himself to be allergic to. Samus and Dark Samus stood over him, the former with her hands on her hips and the latter with her arms folded over her chest. Both wore rare sympathetic faces as they watched Ridley rid himself of his poison._

" _I always imagined seeing Ridley's head in the toilet being more satisfying" Samus piped up. "Not this utterly depressing."_

" _I never saw to anything involving him until he became the guardian of his leviathan. He'd just crashed at the bottom of a reactor shaft and didn't look nearly as pathetic as he does now." Dark Samus added, as Ridley pulled his head from the toilet, pale as a ghost._

" _Why don't you two s-URRR-!" Ridley's cheeks puffed out a bit as he almost threw up in his mouth. His head was over the toilet again so fast that Dark Samus was afraid she may end up hearing his neck snap. "Why don't you two shove it? You've both looked just as bad… HYUAAUGH!" He finished his sentence just in time to get rid of yet another course of seafood. Dark Samus started laughing, suddenly enough to make the original spring into action, stepping back and raising her right arm level with Dark Samus' head. Samus' fingers were shaped such that her middle, ring, and last fingers were held together, while the pointer and thumb were out on their own – the standard hand positioning for the Tallon Chozo Plasma Beam._

 _Failing to realize that she wasn't in danger, Dark Samus screamed and backed herself into the stall's wall, sliding down on weakened legs, the pupils of her blue eyes so small, one would think they didn't exist. Samus looked down at her arm and panicked, putting two and two together to realize her own blunder: Her power suit was gone, and therefore, so was her Plasma Beam. Dark Samus realized this later, and heaved a sigh of relief, clutching her hand over her chest. Her heart was pounding with the adrenaline shot her new body just gave her._

" _ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK?!" She suddenly burst out as Samus turned red in the face, turning on her heel to hide this fact._

" _O-of course I am! I- I knew all along that I can't use my Plasma Beam anymore!" Samus turned back to the floored woman and kept talking, trying to distract herself from the intense humiliation. "I was trying to scare you instead! And it worked too! Ah… Ah-ha-ha-ha!" Trying to avoid tripping over her words and further damaging her pride, she continued this crazed, deliberate laughter for very nearly 15 seconds before Dark Samus got off the floor and slapped the blonde across the face. In full retaliation mode, Samus used the kinetic energy from the slap to spin the rest of the way around, grabbing Dark Samus' arm and twisting it in a hammer lock behind her back, much further than even the GF Police Force were known to do while grappling with dangerous humanoid criminals. Dark Samus' pained groans turned to screams as the tendons in her shoulder extended far past what her body could handle. Unable to listen any longer, Samus suddenly released her hold, and the clone dropped, face first, onto the bathroom floor._

" _You're brutal… have I ever told you that….?" She said, her voice sounding as if there was sand in her throat. Interestingly, her first inclination was not to get her head off the bathroom floor, but to tend to her shoulder with her uninjured arm. After massaging it out of the 'shooting pain' stage, she sat up, leaning back against the tile wall, right next to the sinks._

" _No, but others have." Samus swiped her palms against each other. "Hurry and get up. We're getting out of here. That goes for you too, Rid….ley…." she turned to look back inside the stall, seeing the space pirate passed out, his head still in the toilet. Samus rubbed her temples, pressing her eyes tightly shut. "Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!" She stomped to punctuate each curse._

" _Language!" Dark Samus cried._

" _Don't even pretend you have virgin ears!" Samus yelled in response._

* * *

"GAH! I just can't remember how we got into this apartment after that! I just remember waking up here!" Samus yelled, falling backwards onto a beige couch. Eris, who by this point had recovered from the shock of a bowl breaking, was sitting at the small fold-out dining table and drinking a glass of blended vegetable drink, something neither Samus nor Ridley could understand her tolerance for.

"Well, may as well leave it. Don't you need to get ready for work?" Eris said, looking at the clock. Samus groaned and took up a lazy position on the couch.

"It's my day off. Leave me alone. I don't make enough on what I do." She complained, leaning back and stretching.

"You make $20 an hour!" Eris said, rather loudly.

"You're making 35!" Samus retorted.

"It's more than enough for what I have to deal with!"

"You don't deal with screaming kids!" Samus yelled. She was a day-care worker, while Eris worked down at a nearby sports bar.

"You don't deal with drunk people!" The conversation stopped there as both turned their gazes on the only male in the apartment, who was still out from the bowl that hit him earlier. The two looked at each other in dead silence, stood up, and went to the too-small-for-two-people kitchen. Samus got the glasses out, Dark Samus located the liquor Ridley had hidden, and the two sat at the table.

"To bartending." Samus said.

"To day care." Eris responded as their glasses clinked.

The time was 7:42 in the morning when Ridley recovered, five minutes after the girls passed out at the table.

* * *

 **Edit 1.0.1: Replaced fake Chozo curses with ordinary curses. They were bugging me from the beginning and felt pointless. And let's face it: It wasn't entertaining.**

 **A/N 9/14/16: I'm getting back to writing this story. I'm not dead, I promise, and neither is this. I've just been stupid busy with classes and whatnot. Expect inchworming updates.**


End file.
